A Reminder to Self
Like a child on her first day of school, I woke up early, got dressed up, and took a selfie to document the start of an exciting day.
6 weeks ago, I started my dream job. 2 years in the making, 1 pandemic in between, and the most challenging job hunt later, I had achieved my goal of working for Instagram on the Shopping team. I received my vaccine, Covid restrictions in my two homes of New York and California were lifting, weddings and vacation plans were back on the calendar, my Peloton journey was blossoming (as a die-hard Soul Cycle rider, this was the ultimate form of betrayal but desperate times, amiright?), the Boy and I were discussing our much anticipated move back into the city (yes I know, how could I leave Brooklyn if my handle literally has Brooklyn in it? That has yet to be addressed…), and I had secured my first big beauty partnership for Brooklyn and Boy. It was as though my body and the world around me had let out an audible sigh of relief- things were falling back into place.
6 weeks ago, hours after I started said dream job, a very close member of my family was diagnosed with aggressive brain cancer. All in an instant, the diagnosis turned our world upside down the moment it finally started to feel like there was hope. The thoughts that motivated me through my entire, grueling interview process were still so fresh in my mind- what would I do on my first day if I got the job? How would I tackle my first few weeks, so I could jump right in as my best self and make my mark? I played out scenario after scenario in my head of what I would wear, how I would show up and participate in meetings, how I would connect with several of my professional idols that work at the company, and how I would create impact out the gate. I had it all figured out, planned down to the very notebook I would write my big, impactful ideas on as soon as I started. But what I didn’t plan for was a life altering and unexpected diagnosis like the one we received that day, one that easily shattered even the most carefully crafted narrative I had envisioned for myself and my family post pandemic.
As I sit at my computer at 2pm on this Wednesday afternoon, in between meetings, I finally find a moment in the madness of the last six weeks to reflect. While it is all still very much a blur, I recall a perspective shift that I distinctly felt in the last two weeks since my family member started treatment. A shift from ‘wihy me/why him/why us/why now’ to ‘I can do this because I know how to show up and keep going even when it feels really freaking hard’. Just like I did so recently. Just like my family member is doing, every single day of treatment.
So I return to the very lessons I learned months ago (link), pre and during the pandemic. Everything I learned about self discovery and growth in challenging times, about leaning on my community, about taking the time to invest in my passions as a form of therapy, about giving my physical body the care and attention it needs, and above all, about my daily practice of expressing gratitude for all the good stuff, applies yet again. I know that when I find even 20 minutes in the day to sneak a quick Peloton ride, my body and mind feel better equipped to be strong for my family. I know that when I step out of the house for a quick catch up with my sister, it’s the therapy my mind needs to keep going. That taking a few minutes a day to allow myself to think about other passions, like Brooklyn and Boy, is not selfish or indulgent but rather a form of self care. So that I can show up as my best self for the people that need it the most right now.
As for my dream job, my first few weeks may not have gone as perfectly as I had imagined. But if my Peloton journey has given me anything, its the daily mantras that I take with me off the bike - to be kind to myself on the days it feels impossible to handle it all and to be proud of myself on the days that I show up for myself and the people that need me.
